its been awhile...

lets see, since i last blogged, i...

(finally) started dating ben (on new years day actually) and am blissfully happy/98% sure he is the man i will spend my life with.

weaned off my antidepressant.

got promoted at work and am now Team Manager, which is one step below Assistant Manager.

found a roommate and we are looking at moving into an apartment sometime this fall.

ive started going back to church.  ben and i are going to xenos every monday and thursday night, or at least as often as our schedules allow :)  i dont think ill ever rejoin the catholic church, but im exploring nondenominational christianity.  ben is very strong in his faith and i want to learn more about something so important to him, and i find myself actually enjoying it.

so its not a lot but theyre pretty major things and overall im pretty happy :)

i want to visit paris, machu picchu, tokyo, turkey, patagonia, and antarctica.
i want a house to decorate. my master bedroom will be swathed in white and grey lace.
i want to have enough money to live comfortably and not worry about affording the things i want...which are mostly books.
i want to spend my afternoons reading and drinking tea, with my cats curled up next to me.
i want to knit a blanket, and actually finish it.
i want to have a job that i actually enjoy, with higher-ups who actually give a damn about their employees.
i want to be able to travel around the country and visit all my friends.

i want to be happy again.

from tumblr

Clashing Sorrows

I never dared to say these words

I don’t think I’m that brave

I don’t know if they will be heard

I don’t know if they will be felt back

When you talked to me with words

I talked back to you with feelings

Words functioned by feelings

My weakness has been revealed

Why do I care? Why should I care?

When I haven’t even seen your face

Lightening up, looking right at me

Looking right through my soul

Right into my eyes as they sparkle

Sparkling with the sight of you

Get out of my dreams

If you ever loved me

Would you hold me?

Just to reassure me of my feelings

That my feelings have a meaning

That my heart has finally chosen

The one I’d gladly call ‘love of my life’

Is it you?

Has it always been you?

For this image of you

Will stay with me

For as long as I can remember

Before I grow too old to lose

All the memories of you

All the dreams I’ve built

All the hopes of finally holding your hands

Just as I’ve always dreamed of

Feelings won’t be vanished into thin air

Until the very last breath I’d be wasting

Until the last heart beat

-Submitted by still-dreaming-out-loud

all i want

is to be in your arms right now, feeling your breath on my neck as you say, "i want to be with you."

did you know?

Did you know that grace flows through
your veins riding on the back of droplets
of blood and that when a cut
accidentally finds its way to your
skin it jumps off and clings
to any and everything inside you.
It fights like you fight and stays
inside you at all times.
Did you know I want to be the fabric
I want to be the dress
I want to be whatever you wear
to cover up your naked flesh?
I want to be the sound of your
heart beating and the smell
of rain as it drips down the small
of your back.
Did you know that you are the most
beautiful thing I have ever touched?
Ever traced and studied and calmed
and held in my hands?
Did you know that I dream of you
and even before I’ve had dreams
inside those dreams and even still
even then you’re the star and the
light that guides me through the
darkness that surrounds my sleeping body.
Did you know that if I died and came
back one hundred different times, one of those
times I would beg my karma to come back
as the sound your lips make as they
transition effortlessly between
I and Love when you whisper I love you.
One life I’d want to come back as nothing
but the breath that stirs inside you
and one life, if given the chance to
choose I’d be the sea and pray
that that time around you found
yourself a ship made of stronger stuff
than I am made of so you could float atop
me. Or perhaps that simple and perfect time
around, a mermaid so you called me home.
Did you know I’m not willing to get used
to the sensation of missing you? I refuse
to become numb on the occasion of your absence
and I will never grow familiar with the
taste of my own lips when not flavored
with the sweetness of yours.
Did you know that until the day came
when I met you and your eyes caught
my eyes and my life became yours
I never had a single, solitary fear.
I do not mean I was immune to nerves or the
scattered breath that accompanied
some small anxiety, but fear. I am now
without pride or ego, terrified of living
without you. Death, come when you will
say what you wish and hold my hand when it is
time, but life, please don’t make me know
the bitter and beautiful agony of understanding
how to walk through a day without you.
Did you know that I know you?
More than you know yourself and without
doubt more than any single other body has
ever known any single other body in the history
of this world or any other. I know
before you know when your heart reaches out
and I know without you requiring the assistance
of a glance or graze when you are scared
or lonely or tired or hungry or angry or worried
or blinded by absolute excitement.
Did you know I am yours?
Did you know that I will always be yours?
Did you know that I have waited my entire life
to have you be mine?
Did you?

-Tyler Knott Gregson-

things that i feel i am able to successfully deal with and handle during the day come to haunt me at night. im alone and lonely and have nobody to cuddle with and the one person i DO want to cuddle with, i know theres no chance. im so tired of my own thoughts attacking me at night.


also, forgetting to take your antidepressants 3 nights in a row doesnt help a whole lot either.

from now on

i will pay more attention to my brothers opinion on guys i bring home. because 9.99 times out of 10, hes been pretty damn spot-on.