Monday, November 28, 2011

i want to visit paris, machu picchu, tokyo, turkey, patagonia, and antarctica.
i want a house to decorate. my master bedroom will be swathed in white and grey lace.
i want to have enough money to live comfortably and not worry about affording the things i want...which are mostly books.
i want to spend my afternoons reading and drinking tea, with my cats curled up next to me.
i want to knit a blanket, and actually finish it.
i want to have a job that i actually enjoy, with higher-ups who actually give a damn about their employees.
i want to be able to travel around the country and visit all my friends.

i want to be happy again.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

from tumblr

Clashing Sorrows

I never dared to say these words

I don’t think I’m that brave

I don’t know if they will be heard

I don’t know if they will be felt back

When you talked to me with words

I talked back to you with feelings

Words functioned by feelings

My weakness has been revealed

Why do I care? Why should I care?

When I haven’t even seen your face

Lightening up, looking right at me

Looking right through my soul

Right into my eyes as they sparkle

Sparkling with the sight of you

Get out of my dreams

If you ever loved me

Would you hold me?

Just to reassure me of my feelings

That my feelings have a meaning

That my heart has finally chosen

The one I’d gladly call ‘love of my life’

Is it you?

Has it always been you?

For this image of you

Will stay with me

For as long as I can remember

Before I grow too old to lose

All the memories of you

All the dreams I’ve built

All the hopes of finally holding your hands

Just as I’ve always dreamed of

Feelings won’t be vanished into thin air

Until the very last breath I’d be wasting

Until the last heart beat

-Submitted by still-dreaming-out-loud

Friday, October 14, 2011

all i want

is to be in your arms right now, feeling your breath on my neck as you say, "i want to be with you."

Sunday, October 2, 2011

did you know?

Did you know that grace flows through
your veins riding on the back of droplets
of blood and that when a cut
accidentally finds its way to your
skin it jumps off and clings
to any and everything inside you.
It fights like you fight and stays
inside you at all times.
Did you know I want to be the fabric
I want to be the dress
I want to be whatever you wear
to cover up your naked flesh?
I want to be the sound of your
heart beating and the smell
of rain as it drips down the small
of your back.
Did you know that you are the most
beautiful thing I have ever touched?
Ever traced and studied and calmed
and held in my hands?
Did you know that I dream of you
and even before I’ve had dreams
inside those dreams and even still
even then you’re the star and the
light that guides me through the
darkness that surrounds my sleeping body.
Did you know that if I died and came
back one hundred different times, one of those
times I would beg my karma to come back
as the sound your lips make as they
transition effortlessly between
I and Love when you whisper I love you.
One life I’d want to come back as nothing
but the breath that stirs inside you
and one life, if given the chance to
choose I’d be the sea and pray
that that time around you found
yourself a ship made of stronger stuff
than I am made of so you could float atop
me. Or perhaps that simple and perfect time
around, a mermaid so you called me home.
Did you know I’m not willing to get used
to the sensation of missing you? I refuse
to become numb on the occasion of your absence
and I will never grow familiar with the
taste of my own lips when not flavored
with the sweetness of yours.
Did you know that until the day came
when I met you and your eyes caught
my eyes and my life became yours
I never had a single, solitary fear.
I do not mean I was immune to nerves or the
scattered breath that accompanied
some small anxiety, but fear. I am now
without pride or ego, terrified of living
without you. Death, come when you will
say what you wish and hold my hand when it is
time, but life, please don’t make me know
the bitter and beautiful agony of understanding
how to walk through a day without you.
Did you know that I know you?
More than you know yourself and without
doubt more than any single other body has
ever known any single other body in the history
of this world or any other. I know
before you know when your heart reaches out
and I know without you requiring the assistance
of a glance or graze when you are scared
or lonely or tired or hungry or angry or worried
or blinded by absolute excitement.
Did you know I am yours?
Did you know that I will always be yours?
Did you know that I have waited my entire life
to have you be mine?
Did you?

-Tyler Knott Gregson-

Monday, September 26, 2011

things that i feel i am able to successfully deal with and handle during the day come to haunt me at night. im alone and lonely and have nobody to cuddle with and the one person i DO want to cuddle with, i know theres no chance. im so tired of my own thoughts attacking me at night.

also, forgetting to take your antidepressants 3 nights in a row doesnt help a whole lot either.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

from now on

i will pay more attention to my brothers opinion on guys i bring home. because 9.99 times out of 10, hes been pretty damn spot-on.

Friday, June 10, 2011

the rede (an it harm none)

I've been blessed with many lovers and I'd grant the same you
Though I suppose I'd skip a broken heart or two
I confess that I am troubled by that pious vocal few
When they cross the line and tell us what to do

Ah But life's too short for all this worry - I offer myself to you whole
Life's too long for lies to carry any more weight in this world

And it harm none, do what ye will
As the circle has bound us, bound we are still
Though the bottle be empty, may the cup remain filled
And it harm none, do what ye will

I will call the four directions, I will cast a circle here
I will put my feet upon the holy ground
In the shadow there reflected I will find and face my fear
And we all know there is fear a'plenty round

Ah But life's too short for all this worry - I offer myself to you whole
Life's too long for lies to carry any more weight in this world

An it harm none, do what ye will
As the circle has bound us, bound we are still
Though the bottle be empty, may the cup remain filled
And it harm none, do what ye will

Every act of love and pleasure is a prayer along the way
With everything between the living Earth and Sky
When it's all of life we treasure through the endless spinning days
In our actions you will know us by and by

Ah But life's too short for all this worry - I offer myself to you whole
Life's too long for lies to carry any more weight in this world

And it harm none, do what ye will
As the circle has bound us, bound we are still
Though the bottle be empty, may the cup remain filled
And it harm none, do what ye will

Thursday, April 28, 2011


As the gods began one world, and man another,
So the snakecharmer begins a snaky sphere
With moon-eye, mouth-pipe. He pipes. Pipes green. Pipes water.

Pipes water green until green waters waver
With reedy lengths and necks and undulatings.
And as his notes twine green, the green river

Shapes its images around his songs.
He pipes a place to stand on, but no rocks,
No floor: a wave of flickering grass tongues

Supports his foot. He pipes a world of snakes,
Of sways and coilings, from the snake-rooted bottom
Of his mind. And now nothing but snakes

Is visible. The snake-scales have become
Leaf, become eyelid; snake-bodies, bough, breast
Of tree and human. And he within this snakedom

Rules the writhings which make manifest
His snakehood and his might with pliant tunes
From his thin pipe. Out of this green nest

As out of Eden's navel twist the lines
Of snaky generations: let there be snakes!
And snakes there were, are, will be--till yawns

Consume this piper and he tires of music
And pipes the world back to the simple fabric
Of snake-warp, snake-weft. Pipes the cloth of snakes

To a melting of green waters, till no snake
Shows its head, and those green waters back to
Water, to green, to nothing like a snake.
Puts up his pipe, and lids his moony eye.

~ Sylvia Plath

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

crack dream

so i was at an atm and this guy comes up behind me and pulls me to the ground. im screaming and telling him he can take my money just let me go and he says its not your money i want so then i start screaming because hes gonna rape me and luckily a cop pulls up and the guy runs. i go home crying and mom says she has a surprise for me to cheer me up. she takes me to go meet nsync, and i mustve met them before because they all recognize me. in this dream nsync consists of justin lance jc and a girl who looks like a cross between britney spears and topanga from boy meets world. i go say hi to the girl first and she gives me a hug and she must be psychic or something because she knows what happened at the atm and gives me a super long hug and tells me everything is okay. so then im at some fancy hotel where someone is hosting a prom for all the exchange students who were on the trip i chaperoned. i put on a random yellow dress and people start calling me belle. then i realize i have no money for a ticket so i go back to the atm and the same guy is there and he starts chasing me and luckily another cop is there. so i run back to the hotel all upset and i run into rupert grint in the hallway. i guess the harry potter cast is all vacationing together and staying at this hotel lol. so i run into him and im so upset i just fling myself at him and cry and he holds me and comforts me and whatnot. so then we start kissing, and eventually he says we should go somewhere but i tell him we cant go back to my room because my roommate is there so we go back to his because he doesnt think anyone is in his room but daniel radcliffe is there watching tv and rupert tries to hint at him to leave but he doesnt get the hint so rupert and i just sit on the bed together.

Friday, April 1, 2011

little pleasures

dark chocolate
listening to the rain as you fall asleep
a good book
a cup of tea
jeni's ylang ylang honeycomb ice cream
bellydancing whenever and wherever
a glass of wine
making a candle
finishing a scrapbook page
laying in bed on a lazy morning snuggled up in a fluffy white comforter
new jewelry
harry potter
painting your nails
new shoes
laughing with good friends
a purring cat asleep in your lap
long hot showers
rays of sunshine on your face
standing on the beach late at night with the wind whipping through your hair, watching a thunderstorm far out at sea

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


wan·der·lust (wndr-lst) n. A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel.

for as long as i can remember, i have wanted to travel the world. unfortunately, i am very broke lol. so whenever a travel opportunity at little to no cost pops up, i jump at it.

my friends parents have their own travel agency, and every year they do trips with rotary exchange students. last december i chaperoned the disney trip, and i just got back from chaperoning the eastern trip. we went to washington dc, manhattan, boston, hershey, and gettysburg. it was an amazing trip. it makes me wish i had known about the rotary exchange program in high school; seeing how much fun the kids have and the friendships they form makes me so jealous. yes i get to go on the trips, but being a chaperon is different than experiencing these trips as an exchange student. i would have loved to be an exchange student in high school. if my kids ever have the opportunity to do so, i will do everything in my power to ensure they can go. anyway.

so now ive been bitten by the travel bug and im restless just sitting at home. luckily, i have at least 3 more trips planned for this year :) my parents are thinking of taking a family vacation and going to weeki wachee river in florida this summer. its on the gulf coast of florida. there are manatees that swim in the river, and from looking at pictures of the area it seems like it will be such a relaxing vacation. plus my aunt lives in orlando, so i think wed take our grandparents on vacation with us and all go visit her :) she has MS and its very hard for her to travel because of it, and my grandparents are getting older so its harder for them to travel too, so this would be a really good thing.

my mom and grandma take a girls trip every year up to massachusetts/new hampshire to visit with family (my mom was born in MA) and this year i have been invited to go with them. i am SO EXCITED!! ive wanted to do this trip with them for years :)

i am also chaperoning the disney trip again this december, and im so excited about it :)

we are also talking about going up to vermont in may to visit our friend at grad school. for as often as ive been to new england, ive never been to vermont, so im excited about that :)

also - and this is the most exciting thing - i will probably be going to france and england sometime in the next couple years! lizs dad wants to take her and her friends (which would be me, christine and jackie) on a trip because he did the same for her sister a few years ago. im not sure when its going to happen, but he is saying that it WILL happen. i seriously cried when he brought it up; paris is a dream of mine. and to be there with three of my bestest friends? amazing ♥

Monday, March 7, 2011


mitch and i have decided to go ahead and get a divorce. well, dissolution really, if that makes any difference. weve decided its for the best; hes unhappy and im unhappy and he acknowledges that i deserve better, i deserve to be happy. and honestly, i think my parents were right (*cringes*) and that we got married too fast. i mean i really havent been single since i was 17; i was in a 2-yr relationship then a month after that ended i went into another 2.5-yr relationship and then a couple months after that ended i started dating mitch. so i honestly dont know who i am on my own, without the identity of being a married woman. so this is whats best for us. and its going to be amicable, neither of us has any animosity towards the other. we actually just sat down and talked about it and decided who would keep what furniture-wise and we decided what to do about finances. as for the cats, im going to keep them but theyre going to stay with him until i can find a place of my own; ill be moving in with my parents for awhile to be able to save up money and they already have 2 cats so i wouldnt be able to bring mine there. overall im feeling as good about this as i can, and i honestly think ill be okay. i mean yea it sucks balls, i still love him, but theres no point in fighting for something that only one person wants. and my friends aunt is an attorney and has offered to help me out at a deeply discounted rate so that helps. so...yea. thats the situation.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

rape culture and eminem

please tell me why anyone thinks eminem has any redeeming qualities anymore? there is nothing good about his music/message. he is a woman-hating mysoginist pig, and no that opinion does not mean i am a feminazi - it means i do NOT buy into the victim-blaming, slut-shaming rape culture we are living in. i mean really, look at these lyrics from "stay wide awake" and tell me how they are even a little bit okay

Fe Fi Fo Fum!
I think I smell the scent of a placenta
I enter Central Park it's dark, it's winter in December
I see my target, whip my car in Park and approach her tender
Young girl by the name of Brenda and I pretend to befriend her
Sit down beside her like a spider, Hi there girl you mighta
Heard of me before see whore you're the kinda girl that I'd a-
-ssault and rape and figure why not try to make your pussy widea
Fuck you with an umbrella and then open it up while the shits inside ya

I'm the kinda guy that's mild but I might flip and get a little bit wilda
Impregnate a lesbian, yea now let's see ya have triplets and I'll di-
-sintegrate them babies, as soon as they out hoe, with formalde-
-hyde in cyanide girl, you can try and hide, you can try to scream louda

...seriously? how is that is any way shape or form acceptable?!
not to mention at least for me, that shit is triggering as hell having my name in there. thank god i was never raped, but i WAS sexually abused. can you imagine how triggering this would be for someone who WAS raped? this is NOT OKAY. there is NOTHING okay with rape, rape jokes, rape culture, etc. but unfortunately thats what were living in - rape culture. a culture that makes rape jokes funny, that tell women its their fault for getting raped (you shouldntve been drinking so much, wearing such revealing clothing, etc) NO. victim-blaming is WRONG and there is no one to blame but the RAPIST. but unfortunately we live in a society that favors the rapist over the victim. it disgusts me.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

~Sylvia Plath

Friday, January 28, 2011

march cant come fast enough!

NYC baby!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

run devil run

i am LOVING this song right now!!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

why i am boycotting Urban Active's Graceland location

it should not be a difficult thing to ensure your employees are properly informed. i called the gym the day after xmas to see if there was a bellydance class since its the holidays and was assured there was. well i got there and nope, no class. this is the second time this had happened to me and i was pissed. i sent this email:

To Whom It May Concern:

I am an Urban Active member and regularly attend the Sunday belly dance classes at 4:00 PM. It being the day after Christmas, I called this morning to ensure there would still be a class. I was assured there would be. Upon arriving, I noticed a sign on the door of the group fitness room stating that there would be no classes today. The same thing happened to me on Sunday 10/31, Halloween. I called in the morning to see if there would still be a belly dance class that day and was told there would be but, again upon arriving, I saw a sign stating that afternoon classes were cancelled. I am upset about this because on both occasions I was assured there would be a class, went and drove all the way out to the gym only to find out I had been misinformed. This is a waste of both my time and my gas money. It should not be so hard to make sure your employees have the correct information regarding classes on any given day, so that that information can be relayed correctly to members such as myself. The disorganization and inefficiency shown on these two occasions is very unprofessional and I am very displeased.

Brenda G.

Also, to ensure this doesn't happen again, if possible I would like the email address of the belly dance instructor, Kxxxxx Mxxxxx, so that in the future I can contact her directly.

so, after almost two weeks without a response from them, i decided to call them. i just got off the phone with the manager and explained the situation and how i was very displeased and disappointed with the lack of organization and professionalism. first of all, he told me that he never received an email, which idk whether or not i believe him since i copy-pasted the email address from their website. although it is always possible that the email just randomly got lost in transit i guess. secondly, when i voiced my displeasure about how the employees did not have the correct information, he told me (in a rather snotty voice) that the holiday schedules were posted on the door to the group fitness room as well as the front door two weeks prior to xmas. now im calling bullshit on that, because i do NOT remember seeing anything like that UNTIL the day after xmas, when all this happened. general holiday hours maybe, but definitely not a class schedule. i told him that, and i also told him that if that really were the case and my memory was off, that there is even LESS of an excuse for the employees not to have the correct information. so then i asked him for the belly dance instructors email so i could contact her directly and he gave me the group fitness coordinators email, since she handles all that stuff. mind you i had to almost beg him for it; i asked if he had the email address and he said no the group fitness coordinator handles all the class instructors and would have the email address. i said well can i speak with her please and he said no she is not in today due to the weather (and mind you the "weather" is light snow with less than an inch of accumulation *rolls eyes*) so i said well okay is there any way i can leave her a message? and he finally gave me her email address. ugh. i said thank you and he said youre welcome very abruptly and hung up. no final apology, no "and again i am very sorry for your experience," nothing. i mean maybe im expecting too much, but if i were working and a customer called me with a reasonable complaint i would apologize profusely, do everything in my power to correct the mistake or make amends, and make sure that the last thing they heard before hanging up was another apology. but no. this guy, who is supposed to be a manager and a professional, sounded sarcastic and uninterested when apologizing and almost had an attitude of how dare i make a complaint and well it was my fault anyway for not seeing the supposed signs (which i swear to you were not there). again, i am highly disappointed and pissed off at this particular location and have no plans to ever visit again. thank god theres another location about the same distance from me lol. and luckily this problem location no longer offers bellydance, so i have no reason to go back. now i just REALLY hope the group fitness coordinator responds to my email!

i considered asking for the corporate number and making a complaint about this rude-ass manager, but im just done with the whole thing.apart from getting the instructors email, i am beyond caring about any of this.